Get Along Better with Anyone, Anytime (Yes, It’s Possible!)

Why can’t we all just get along? This is a question that echoes through countless types of relationships. As humans, we get triggered, and we sometimes trigger others. Maybe you’re thinking about the last time you got extremely upset about someone’s viewpoint that is different than yours. Today, people are often feeling more divided than ever. The socio-political climate has become increasingly filled with landmines of contention, with hot button issues everywhere. Sure, the election year may increase that polarization, but these issues go deeper.

In our family relationships, we learned the building blocks of how we relate to others. We also learned about what makes us who we are, and created an identity for ourselves that can make us identify as different from others. However, differences in how we express ourselves or having a separate viewpoint doesn’t have to equal conflict with others. As social beings, we need connection, so most people can agree that we want to have better relationships on all levels. We turned to Rachel S. Heslin, founder of The Fullness of Your Power, for her advice on these topics.

What are some of the things you see dividing the Americans and communities of America the most?

The single-most divisive thing isn’t a specific issue, but assumptions about other people. When most of our social circles, especially online, are full of people who think like we do, confirmation bias makes it easy to dismiss those with different opinions as wrong or incomprehensible. Since our brains are wired to identify potential threats, “incomprehensible” can quickly be interpreted as “dangerous.” We get caught up in labels and accusations, so determined to “win the fight” that we lose sight of our common humanity.

This isn’t to say that some beliefs, when taken to the extreme, can’t cause harm. We’ve seen a rash of legislation across the country that is incredibly damaging, putting people’s lives at risk. However, on an individual basis, we need to recognize that the “other side” is made up of people who have their own hopes and fears, dreams and sorrows. Otherwise, we become ever more firmly entrenched in Us vs Them mentality, and that’s just not sustainable.

Is it really possible to bring people together more or is that wishful thinking?

It’s possible — I’ve seen it happen. A friend and colleague of mine, Kawtar El Alaoui, co-hosted with corporate Empathy Expert, David Sauvage, a series of public dialogues entitled, “How We Make Peace: A Muslim and a Jew Demonstrate Radical Empathy.” It received a gratifyingly positive response from those who are tired of war and yearn for a better way. Similarly, look at the way that so many conservatives and liberals have been setting aside their traditional enmity to try to mend our democracy during the current election cycle.

How do we value free speech while eliminating hate speech?

I don’t know that the goal is to eliminate hate speech so much as enforce consequences for it and provide support for those who are its target. The reason I make a distinction between “eliminating” and “enforcing consequences” is because it acknowledges the importance of free choice. People can choose to be jerks, but they aren’t guaranteed impunity. We can state clear expectations for conduct along with specific consequences if those expectations are violated, then follow through. We need to be careful about falling into “cancel culture,” which I define as condemning a person as opposed to condemning their actions. Condemning a person assumes that there is something innately bad about them, whereas focusing on their actions provides them an opportunity to make amends and learn to do better in the future.

As far as supporting those who are affected by not just hate but hurtful speech in general, we need to acknowledge that intention and impact are equally important. Too often, people say things that are hurtful or demeaning, then brush off negative reactions by saying that the other person is “too sensitive.” While it may be true that they didn’t mean to cause offense, the fact is that they did, so the appropriate response is to apologize.

Where do you see the starting point or catalyst for the fastest change?

I look at ROI: what is the most efficient way to have an impact? The more energy we invest in worrying over things we have little control over, the less energy we can devote to actually making a difference. Therefore, especially if there’s a feeling of hopelessness, it is vital that we focus on what we, personally, can do. Time and again, the thing we have the most control over is ourselves. This means mindfully choosing to be responsive instead of reactive. For myself, I use Hillel’s version of the Golden Rule as my guiding light: do not unto others that which is hateful to yourself.

There are many strategies and techniques to become more mindful in our daily interactions, from meditation to active listening to making sure you’re properly hydrated! One of my favorite strategies is something I call The Agency Framework:

Acknowledge your feelings
Emotions are important. They can provide useful information about our deeper values.

Examine your thoughts
We take a lot of things for granted. Take the time to step back and look at your assumptions. Is it possible you’re misinterpreting something? What if something else is going on? What are other possibilities?

Take responsibility for your actions
This is crucial. If you ever find yourself thinking “But I have to do X” or “But I can’t do Y,” make the effort to reframe it as a choice. This can be as simple as thinking, “I am choosing to do X even though I don’t want to because, at this time, I am not willing to risk the possible repercussions of not doing it.” This opens the door to being more able to consider other options in the future.

The ripple effects of individual behavior are immeasurable, because it affects not just yourself, but everyone who comes into contact with you and everyone they touch as well. Plus, the more that people increase their personal sense of agency, the easier it becomes to impact the world on a larger scale. This core sense of personal confidence combined with the humility of continuous internal questioning and growth is the foundation upon which everything else can flourish.

What gives you the most hope for bringing more people together?

I think people are tired of being afraid. They’re exhausted by conflict, by outrage, by hopelessness and overwhelm. People are yearning for community and connection, and they are reaching out to each other for support.

Is there a tipping point or a point in which you think things will have to change?

I think we’re already seeing the start of it. In some ways, it’s a generational shift. I have five kids: one biological, one adopted, and three “bonus.” They all turned 20 this year. They and their friends have so much care for the world that it makes my heart sing. Add in what I mentioned above about examples of cross-aisle political collaboration, and there are definitely signs that things are already starting to change.

What’s going to happen if we keep up at this pace of contention and how bad do you think it will get?

Although looking at the potential downside is a common tool to motivate change, in this situation, it’s counterproductive. We’ve been drowning in doom for far too long. Numerous studies have shown that fear reduces our ability to be flexible and receptive to new possibilities. Therefore, if we truly want to create change, we need to focus on first envisioning, then creating the type of world we want to live in, a world that is generative and sustainable and encourages each person to make their own, unique contribution to our global tapestry.

What’s your solution?

Cultivate hope. Cultivate curiosity. Focus on who you want to be and what you want to create. Reach out to those around you, including — or perhaps especially — those who seem to think and feel differently than you do. I highly recommend reading Dr. Gena Cox’s book Leading Inclusion: Drive Change Your Employees Can See and Feel. Although its focus is on expanding corporate productivity and profitability by inviting multiple perspectives, it provides robust examples from both her research and lived experience on how to embrace differences. I was particularly struck by a story she told about an encounter with a neighbor. On her front lawn, Dr. Cox had a rainbow-colored sign that said “Hate Has No Home Here” and symbols representing peace, LBGTQ+, and Black Lives Matter. Conversely, her neighbor had a Blue Lives Matter flag. In many areas, these two signs could be seen as representing conflict. However, Dr. Cox, who happens to be Black, approached her neighbor and asked what his banner meant to him. It turns out he was a retired police officer who had seen colleagues die in the line of duty, and this was his way of showing respect. Dr. Cox had also been concerned that he might have problems with her own rainbow flag but discovered that he hadn’t even noticed it. This is an excellent example of how conflict doesn’t need to be inevitable.

What are you doing to implement your remedy to cure this country and world of ours?

I don’t see myself as a healer so much as a gardener, planting and nurturing seeds of possibility. On a basic level, I’m doing my best to model the world I want to live in. A few months ago, an elderly neighbor was struggling. Her daughter, who lived with her, was in the hospital, so this neighbor had no way to get groceries or anything else. I went around the neighborhood and put together a list of people who were happy to help so she’d always have someone she could call on. These people ranged from a “bleeding heart liberal” musician to a guy who has “Trump 2024” painted in huge letters on the side of his house, yet we all came together to help our neighbor. It’s important to me that I not only talk about building community, but that I live it, showing that it’s possible.

Beyond that, I love writing and talking about ways to increase compassion towards ourselves and others. In my recent talk at TEDx Escondido, I explain how having a Victim Mentality sometimes serves a purpose, and we need to be curious about that purpose if we want to help people move beyond victimhood. Life seems to be changing at an ever-increasing rate. We need to allow ourselves grace as we learn how to navigate its dynamic complexity, and I love helping people do so.

With this advice in mind, hopefully we can all find ways to be open and collaborative in our relationships, to spread hope and live in a place of curiosity and openness.

Find Rachel Heslin at: https://www.thefullnessofyourpower.com